How long?

It was Summer, 2008, and I remember sitting in front of the Panera in Fallsgrove, right across from Shady Grove Adventist Hospital. I had just been to see my OB doc and the pain from my blocked kidney was so excrutiating he was sending me home to pack my bags and be admitted again. The Casting Crown's song "Praise You in this storm" came on the radio. I cried heavy sobs as I listened to the lyrics,

"I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away . . ."

Just like that day, finding praise tonight seems almost impossible. Dan's back injury over the weekend, my MRI yesterday, the hours of arguing on the phone with Summa about denied coverage and crying to the bill collectors about how we just can't make any more commitments to pay right now have exhausted all my energy. I am not keeping up with Danica's care. I am frustrated with Delaney's third grade homework. I am like a zombie. I am so tired in body and mind and spirit. I am focused on survival and nothing else. On top of everything I fell down the stairs today. I tried to catch myself with my right arm and hand and really bruised my back and hip. It's too much. It's been so long. What if there's not a way of escape . . . ever.

" . . . And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away . . ."

In November 2009, right before Danica's first decompression surgery, I had the amazing opportunity to hear Casting Crowns in person. I stood with hundreds of other people in the dark at ABT and sang this song with tears streaming down my face. I was headed into another huge storm. I was asking the same questions about where God was in all I was facing, where could I find Him and the strength I needed for those days coming?

" . . .I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth."

I don't know why now but for some reason the culmination of all we have been asked to bear finally feels like it is breaking me. I'm looking to the Maker of Heaven and Earth tonight and asking Him one simple question, "How long?"