Tuesday, January 4, 2011

How long?

It was Summer, 2008, and I remember sitting in front of the Panera in Fallsgrove, right across from Shady Grove Adventist Hospital. I had just been to see my OB doc and the pain from my blocked kidney was so excrutiating he was sending me home to pack my bags and be admitted again. The Casting Crown's song "Praise You in this storm" came on the radio. I cried heavy sobs as I listened to the lyrics,

"I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away . . ."

Just like that day, finding praise tonight seems almost impossible. Dan's back injury over the weekend, my MRI yesterday, the hours of arguing on the phone with Summa about denied coverage and crying to the bill collectors about how we just can't make any more commitments to pay right now have exhausted all my energy. I am not keeping up with Danica's care. I am frustrated with Delaney's third grade homework. I am like a zombie. I am so tired in body and mind and spirit. I am focused on survival and nothing else. On top of everything I fell down the stairs today. I tried to catch myself with my right arm and hand and really bruised my back and hip. It's too much. It's been so long. What if there's not a way of escape . . . ever.

" . . . And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away . . ."

In November 2009, right before Danica's first decompression surgery, I had the amazing opportunity to hear Casting Crowns in person. I stood with hundreds of other people in the dark at ABT and sang this song with tears streaming down my face. I was headed into another huge storm. I was asking the same questions about where God was in all I was facing, where could I find Him and the strength I needed for those days coming?

" . . .I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth."

I don't know why now but for some reason the culmination of all we have been asked to bear finally feels like it is breaking me. I'm looking to the Maker of Heaven and Earth tonight and asking Him one simple question, "How long?"


  1. Me too sister me too!! I so wish we were closer!!!! We both could use a big hug from each other!! Love u guys!!!!

  2. "Hear my prayer, O LORD, and let my cry come unto thee, Hide not thy face from me in the day when I am in trouble; incline thine ear unto me; in the day when I call answer me speedily. For my days are consumed like smoke, and my bones are burned as an hearth. My heart is smitten, and withered like grass...My days are like a shadow that declineth; and I am withered like grass. BUT THOU, O LORD, shalt endure for ever..." Psalm 102:1-4, 11, 12. "Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them out of their distresses." Ps. 107:6. This refrain is repeated 4 times in the chapter and the last time (v. 28) is followed by these comforting words: "He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven." You're caught in the middle of the storm right now, but He is carrying you and will continue to do so. Don't try to figure it all out and "fix" it. Just rest in His arms and know that "a bruised reed shall he not break". Your family is precious to Him and He will bring you through.

  3. Violet's words are so complete. I say Amen and Amen! I'm praying for you Monica. We love you and your family, but not near as much as God does.