Surrender

". . . Our work is to know God. Once you know Him, once you really understand how good and faithful and longsuffering and loving He is, you can’t help but worship Him. You can’t help but surrender. And surrender opens the door for healing." Shannon Woodward

Someone brought Danica the game "Operation" today. It's a fancy new version that doesn't just buzz when you get too close to the edge with the tweezers, but it makes a noise that corresponds with each item. When Delaney got home from school we took it out to play and the tiny little frog and cellphone were missing already. I couldn't take it. I ripped the cushions off the couches, got on my hands and knees, looked through all the bags in our room, checked the garbage . . . Without those pieces the game was completely ruined for me. The crazy other woman that resides in my body and shows her face without warning came out in full force. Guess what? I found a little drawer built in to this oh so cool game where you can store all the little pieces and there were the frog and the cellphone resting comfortably.

Especially when the rest of my life is so seemingly unsure I tend to hold on to the things I think I can control even tighter. I tweeze my eyebrows too much and check the bank balance twice a day and organize Danica's little collection of "things to do" stacked up in my parent's bedroom because there is truly little else I can do right now. I can't plan meals or grocery shop or Christmas shop or get my hair cut or colored. (If you see me don't be shocked at how grey I am and how really bad my hair looks.) I can't pull all the summer clothes out of the drawers the kids have outgrown and figure out what they need for fall and winter (scratch that--just winter now.) I have been watching a massive amount of Nick Jr. and remarkably have learned to tune out "The Fresh Beat Band" and "Yo Gabba Gabba" and pray. ALOT.

I like to pick single words and say them like a mantra during periods of my life. I have a collection of words that have become like friends. STRENGTH. HEALING. LOVE. DAYENU. TRUTH. COURAGE. PEACE. REST. When they stand alone and I pray them out loud they have a simplicity. I have been reading many books on the subjects of suffering and prayer. (Maybe I'll do a post soon with links to them all and quick reviews.) I have been writing down my own prayers for years, and I have gone from trying to get the words just right to a completely transparent on your knees in desperation kind of praying. No matter what I always seem to come back to a prayer of surrender from what is commonly know as The Lord's Prayer, "Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” My new word is "SURRENDER."

So many times we associate surrender with giving up in a bad way or maybe giving in on something we should have fought harder for. This spring I read through a book of Lenten devotionals by Emilie Griffin titled Small Surrenders. It began my thoughts about what I was being called to "give up" to make more space in my mind and heart and life for God. This is really where God started with me before I became pregnant with Danica. I like to think He's been pretty patient with me as He has moved through our circumstances these years to pry just about everything I thought mattered to me from my hands. To say I have been changed or that I have learned something would be an understatement. Yes, there are still moments of fear and doubt, but I have never experienced the peace of surrender like I have the past few days.

Since I found out I had to have a hysterectomy right before Danica's surgery I have been praying about my job. For almost three years God gave me a job where I could work from home and still always be there for my girls. It was hard but such a blessing. So many times I pleaded with God to either provide to let me just be a wife and mother for awhile or give me back an exciting job I loved with people and ideas and nice shoes. I wrote this post on my old blog on August 19th, 2009 titled, Small Acts. I have been as faithful as I could with God's help. He has made the way very clear that the season of laptop and lists needs to end for now. I resigned my position yesterday.

The faithfulness of God brought me to a place of complete surrender. I have given Danica and her healing to Him. I have resigned myself to the fact I may never personally feel really healthy again. I understand God is calling me to even greater sacrifice by not being the one to rescue our family from the bills and the financial uncertainty we face. I have commited myself to reclaiming my marriage and my relationship with Delaney no matter how much work it takes. I am eagerly looking forward to all God has planned for our future with a peace that passes understanding. In every step of this journey He has done exceeding, abundantly WAY ABOVE all we could ask or think. I can rest in this. I can exhale. I can let go and give in to the amazing love and grace of God.

(Today marks six weeks since Danica's surgery. We are half way to the magic "fusion" date. She is doing really well. She continues to have sporadic fits and has trouble sleeping but her spirits are good. Thank you for all your faithfulness to send little things for her to do and notes and cards. Every day is so long and we have appreciated every single act of love. I got my first Lupron shot this morning. I feel nauseous, have a horrible headache and my heart keeps racing. After the first week the symptoms of my endometriosis fighting back should subside, and I am hopeful this will slow the growth on my organs. (The side effect I'm most concerned about is the growth of facial hair. I'm terrified a chin hair will sprout and someone won't tell me so I can tweeze.) Friday we head to Cincinnati for a full day of appointments. We will stay the night and return on Saturday. If all goes well we are planning a celebratory home going on Sunday. I can't begin to explain to you the hope this has created in each one of our hearts. I'm sure there will some bumps in the transition, but you can count on the fact we will be loving one another and grabbing every sweet moment as we settle back into our nest. Our hope remains!)