Friday, April 8, 2011

Momento Vivere. Remember to LIVE.

Danica woke up Monday morning with a fever and a sore throat. I immediately called her pediatrician and ran over there for a strep test. It seemed logical she may have caught it from Delaney. The rapid test was negative and as the day turned into night her fever got much higher. We have a battle every time we try to give Danica medicine. I know this comes from her last surgery and all the nasty ones she had to take orally. We couldn't keep tylenol or motrin in her without her gagging and throwing it up, so Dan ran out to get the dreaded suppositories. By Wednesday she was much sicker and not using her voice at all, refusing most liquid, lethargic and her temp was staying high so we headed back and got a chest xray and some blood work. Later that night the doctor called and said the radiologist saw some pneumonia on the right side, and we begin antibiotics. Yesterday she perked up a little, ate a little more and began using her croaky voice some. I was sure her fever had finally broken, and for the first time in two weeks I got to sleep through the night. This morning she woke up and said, "Mommy, my swallower works again!" I wrestled her meds in her and noticed she was burning up again. Sure enough, her temp is way back up, and she just fell asleep again. She tries to start playing but is just exhausted. I just called the pediatrician. It's 19 days until Disney. God, please give this family some healing.

In the midst of all this I was planning on hosting my book club ladies for our monthly meeting Tuesday night. These women are so dear to me for so many reasons, and it was important for me to do this before I lose my home indefinitely. As Danica got sicker and sicker on Tuesday I considered cancelling. I felt so guilty sending her out with Dan to my parent's house in the evening. It felt selfish. My amazing husband helped clean our home so I could snuggle Danica all day. I prepared very simple food and after Dan and Danica left I got my shower and had a half an hour to sit quietly with the evening light streaming in the windows, candles lit, music softly playing, sipping wine, and I prayed.

For some reason God has taken away most hospitality from my life for awhile now. I love having people in my home. I love cooking and serving and sharing our space and the peace we have carved out here through God's grace. Since we moved here in 2008 I had to work at night when Dan got home running lists, a job I could do from home so I could care for Danica, but it kept our family from almost all extra curricular activities. Danica began having so many ongoing health issues and the need to often be home bound added to our isolation. My health issues make any kind of commitments outside of getting through the day very difficult. Even "good stress" is bad for people like me. We have not been part of a small group at church or even faithfully attended church in some time. I have not been part of a Bible study. We have become hermits out of necessity. Although we are very close as a family and treasure our time I worry how this has affected the girls personalities, especially my super social girl, Laney. I know Dan has become even more closed off. It also has given us tunnel vision in many ways. It has numbed our ability to remember how to live.

That's why Tuesday night was important to me. I can't keep cancelling life. Things may continue to be hard indefinitely, but I have to grab moments and hours with people I love. I have to find reasons to celebrate. I have to buy flowers once in awhile even when there's no budget for them. I have to buy champagne and toast surviving. I have to keep trying to thrive.

I know I have shared this verse before, but I return to it often and need it written on the doorpost of wherever we land in the next few months.

"This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob." Deuteronomy 30:19-20

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