Tuesday, August 7, 2012

When I can't move

"I said to my soul, be still, and wait . . .
So the darkness shall be the light,
and the stillness the dancing."  T.S. Eliot

In this noon hour on an ordinary Tuesday in August I am in bed.  I have daughters who, in spite of their normal sister spats and childish nonsense, band together and make peace for my sake.  Delaney makes lunch for them both.  They see in my eyes the extraordinary hurt, and I hear Delaney say, "Let's pray."  She leads them in saying grace.  After the "Amen" it's my Danica who chimes in with a P.S. to God, "And please help our mommy to feel better."  She prays this every single day.  When others forget she does not.  Now they are snuggled in Delaney's room watching a DVD and sketching.  Twixie is in the mix.  I know I can safely take some pills for my pain and tremors and rest awhile.  I literally feel like the atmosphere is crushing my body.  Every cell is screaming.  It's impossible to move but even harder to be still. 

So many of you are asking about my appointments last week and the decisions about surgery.  I am finding it hard to post the entries I have written with facts.  I guess I'm still in the surrendering phase.  My heart is broken like my body.  God has made it clear what He is asking me to do.  I am just finding it hard to believe. 

Today I spoke with Dr. Garcia's PA.  My Haller is measuring much worse in the cardiac MRI than what was measured in the ER CT.  My pulmonary function is really scary.  It's no wonder I feel so badly all of the time.  Dan and I are scheduled to return to Cincinnati next Thursday for a pectus surgery class.  The PA is beginning to work on the difficult insurance process for this procedure.  When they give an approval we will set the actual date.  I have been wanting to wait until October.  The Foundation for Community Betterment's Rocktoberfest in the last Saturday of September.  My brother, Mirel, is getting married the first weekend in October.  Delaney is turning ten.  Danica is turning five.  I am just not ready.  My family is not ready. 

When there is paralyzing pain and fear and exhaustion what can we do?  The answer for me today is made clear.  Be still.  Yield my body and mind and spirit again.  He is doing something important here.  Tuesday, August 7th, 2012 is not wasted. 

Nothing is wasted in the hands of our Redeemer. 
(This song by Jason Gray has been on my "healing" playlist for some time now.  Sing with me today.  Beauty will rise.  Glory will shine.  Our hope remains!)


  1. Seeing God's grace at work in your life is such an inspiration, Monica, even if it doesn't feel that way to you most of the time. You are loved, and I am praying for you.

  2. Praying friend! Maybe we can get a retreat house together and help each other heal. This road is so hard and most days I am not sure how to even make it. I then think of you and how brave you are. You are an inspiration! I love you!