Thursday, August 16, 2012

Faith or fear?

Source: via Lori on Pinterest

Dan and I are settled into our bed in the hotel.  My heart is beating like crazy, and my mind is racing.  My insurance authorized the surgery.  We met much of the team that would care for me before, during and after.  Dr. Garcia would like to meet with Dan and I to go over the results of all the testing I had two weeks ago.  The pain management doctor wants me to have a consult prior to surgery because of my extensive medication list, history with pain and the difficulty adults have with this surgery in general.  I also need a special bacteria test.  At 8:30 am tomorrow I am going to take a shot at trying to get a few appointments tomorrow.  The reality is we will probably have to take yet another trip here between now and my surgery date.  We are thinking the third week in October for scheduling the actual operation.

The emotions of attending this class for both Dan and I were palpable.  There was another family there with their son who is facing the same surgery and an additional surgery with our "own" Dr. Crawford once he recovers from this first surgery.  They too were from four hours away.  The familiar fatigue and fear and logisitcs of back and forth and scheduling were in the parent's eyes.  The son was brave and hopeful.  He plays golf and wanted to know how soon he could play again.  He used to be a swimmer and had to stop because of symptoms.  He wondered if perhaps he might get back to the pool.  At dinner we discussed at length how "experienced" we feel on once hand.  We are too familiar with the hospital scene and especially the entirety of Cincinnati Children's and are as comfortable as one can be there.  The physical therapist who came to the class was Danica's therapist almost two years ago.  She put Danica in her wheelchair for the first time in her Minerva.  Remember the "famous" picture of her smiling?  Of course she remembered our girl.  Everyone who meets her does.  Dan and I also talked about why children do so much better with the amount of pain and the recovery process than adults do.  Aside from the obvious physical reasons, it is because they have a resilience lost with age.  We both sensed the medical team's collective confidence in the procedure, but their caution when approaching a complicated adult case like mine.  This is not new territory for us.  Pain that begins at a ten on a scale from one to ten is not new either. 

There is certainly fear on many levels, perhaps more than I've ever had before.  Dan feels this same way.  Still, as we drove today singing songs from K-Love, discussing God's sovereignty, our journey and this enduring hope that anchors our souls we knew heading into the class our faith is greater.  The most beautiful thing about this faith is it's been given to us and tied up with Grace.  With so much on our minds and hearts tonight it is the simple sound of rain on our hotel window that calms me most.  I close my eyes and hear the voices of both my girls in unison singing Laura Story's "Blessings in Disguise" in the car this morning as we drove to the post office.  He's doing something we can't quite see clearly, but we trust Him.  We do. 

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God."  Ephesians 2:8

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