I'm in bed today. I cannot sit in a chair or on the couch without horrible pain in my lower back. My right knee is screaming. My shoulders, elbows, wrists and fingers are throbbing. I could go on and on. Really, every part of my body is crying out. I could not sleep last night even though I swallowed my usual cocktail of meds to sledgehammer me into oblivion. I have already taken a narcotic this morning, something I usually reserve for much later in the day.
Wednesday, June 27th, I will be still.
My dear friend Bethany sent me this verse recently. I have been reciting it over and over in my head, and it has brought me much peace and comfort as I continually face deeper surrender to this life.
"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." Ex 14:14
The old Monica would be pushing through this pain to somehow be orchestrating an escape. I would be writing emails and making phone calls and combing craigslist for rentals, all of which are sketchy and none of which we can afford. I would be calling SummaCare about appeals. I would be calling creditors about the bills that came in over the past two weeks. All of them are money we owe AFTER insurance has paid their part. The numbers would be racing through my head. ( . . . $1,625.00 Southern Maryland Anesthesia. $1,159 Midatlantic Urology. $867.00 Diagnostic Imaging. $1,244.88 Diagnostic Imaging. $6,837.43 Doctors Community Hospital . . .) I would be looking at the calendar and struggling with four new appointments in July in Cincinnati for Danica and I, new hotel reservations, child care for Laney while we are gone and worrying about how Dan is out of days off, and still I cannot do this without him. I would definitely be praying to God but would never stop furiously rowing to shore (even though my shoulders and elbows and wrists and fingers would sublux on each and every pull.)
There has been a heart change. There has been a rearranging of my mind. It is not because I am more broken. It is because I am being healed. Because of God's grace, I am able to face a long day like today and not wish I was at the pool or the park or the zoo with my girls. I understand they are not forever scarred because most of the world moves around us doing and doing, and we are here being. Danica pretends in her room with her stuffed animals while listening to music. Delaney plays the piano on the ipad. It doesn't make me sad we don't have a real piano even though she truly has an ear for music. It doesn't make me feel guilty that I will most likely never be able to shuttle her to and from lessons that would nurture her talents. I believe this still life is a portal into God's plan for both my girls. There is sadness. There is loss. But we are finally seeing it with new eyes.
" . . . Such a man will not be overthrown by evil circumstances. God's constant care of him will make a deep impression on all who see it. He does not fear bad news, nor live in dread of what may happen. For he is settled in his mind that Jehovah will take care of him. That is why he is not afraid, but can calmly face his foes." Psalm 112:6-8
I had such an uplifting phone call with a friend yesterday. As I was sharing my honest heart I realized something huge. I do not need an ativan any longer to be calm. I am not afraid of the potential damage of staying here in this basement. I am not in dread of getting sicker because there will be no deliverance. I read back through the years of posts here, our story, and over and over Jehovah has taken care of us. I am settled in my mind He will do this now. In His time through His constant care He will bing Himself the most glory and make a deep impression on all those who are watching. Until then, I will be still. He is fighting for us. Behind the scenes He is moving and working to make the way. He is orchestrating. Today I can rest.
(Thanks cousin Amy for sharing this great link of 40 ways to entertain your kids while in bed. I know lots of my zebra sisters and spoonie friends will appreciate this or maybe even healthy moms who just need to lie down!)
I really needed to read your post today, Monica. It was the idea of "being still" that drew me in. I've been at a low point after learning I have no options for taking control of the hormonal aspects of chronic pain (I have high bp). Yesterday, I started blurting out all the medical diagnoses to a GNC saleswoman, and I found this sisterhood with her in that she has some of the same problems. She showed me what she takes, primrose oil, and what her husband takes for high bp. It's those moments when I don't feel alone that make the journey a bit easier. Reading your post was like that for me, too. We may not have the same "thorns" to deal with, but we have the same Father, who I sometimes lose sight of while in panic mode. I, too, will try to be still today. (I'm glad you have friends who are lifting you up, btw.)
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