Tuesday, June 5, 2012

How can I help? Oops, I posted an image of words but no real words.

Many of you have been asking "How can I help?" of late.  I began working on a post as a general response to this very broad question, and I thought it was hanging in my drafts.  Apparently yesterday I published JUST the above image I intended to go with my words when finished.  My humble apologies.  It seems rather strange just sitting out there alone, but I suppose it makes you think a little deeper without an explanation and contemplation is usually a good thing.  There are ways we really do need help.  I'm finding giving you an honest answer a very hard thing. 

I am feeling some improved from my sickness.  (No, not the sickness I feel ALL the time but the icky thing I caught on top of it.)  I had my mom's car available today and after many weeks on the "to do" list and some begging and pleading from the girls I agreed to take them to OLD NAVY today to try to find some summer clothes.  This was our deal.  We could only go to one store.  We had to be quick and methodical.  We would look at clearance racks only, and if anyone began to complain or argue we would drop everything and leave.  We prayed before we left.  Yes, we prayed for God's good favor on a trip to The STRIP.  By the time we got there I was already dizzy and parched and in pain from driving.  As soon as we hit the door the smell of all those new clothes knocked me in the face like a sucker punch.  An entire handful of my spoons was stolen instantly.  We did well.  The girls cooperated and were happy with the little shirts and shorts and skirts we found on sale.  Delaney could see it in my face after about fifteen minutes.  We had to get out of there fast.

I share this story because asking someone to take my girls shopping is perhaps something I could reach out for help with.  Still, Delaney wants HER mom to see how things fit and Danica wants to prance and twirl for HER mom in the jelly shoes she thinks are so super cool.  I want to be part of this.  Shopping online is exhausting and the sales are never as good, and it takes hours to find the sizes and odds are Delaney won't like how things feel, and they will need returned anyways.  This is why going out today was important even though it wasn't good for me and will put me in bed for a day of recovery.  This is one of the many hard choices I have to make every day. 

About a week ago someone close to me approached me about my lack of attendance at Sunday worship.  This hurt me deeply.  In the context of a trip to OLD NAVY, I can see how someone might not quite understand if I could do this today why could I not make the sacrifice physically to attend church on Sunday morning or as she put it, "If I was as sick as you say you are and could only pick one place to go each week I would make it God's house to worship with His people."  It not only hurt me in the heart of one of my deepest desires but also suddenly brought up a million reasons why church has been one of the last places I have looked for or found healing in a long time.  Before anyone gets crazy with comments or private emails on this subject I promise I will share in time a REAL post about how painful it can be to come from a church that completely wounds you and then wander far away from anything even close to God only to be called back to authentic GRACE and fall madly in love with Jesus and then sit for years outside on the stoop of what is supposed to be His house because just peeking in the windows terrifies you.  (Way run on sentence . . . but sometimes you can't take a breath or you might not be brave enough to finish saying what you started.)

The true body of Christ has been ever present in this journey.  The love and prayers and tangible provision for our family through You is unmistakable.  I have experienced where two or three are gathered together over and over again and grown in community and fellowship in ways I never thought I could or would.  I know in my heart God did not create me to be a spiritual lone ranger.  I know He wants me in corporate worship and not forever listening to sermons downloaded on my ipod.  I also believe He understands my frame.  He knows how sick I am because He has allowed it.  He meets me here, and I have nothing I can hide in His presence.  And so I humbly ask you to step back from judging this weak sister.  Please don't break this bruised reed.  Please pray for me when you get dressed on Sunday morning and spray on your perfume for God.  When you lift you head to view the screen and sing praises or sit with little or no discomfort in the pew, please remember not to take this for granted.  As you watch your children skip down the hall to Sunday School or walk hand in hand with your spouse after the service to your car feeling the peace and joy that comes from gathering in that place, remember, it is a gift. 

How can you help?  Where is the update on our health and appointments?  Next post, I promise.  For now, just my heart.  Our hope remains.


  1. In heaven, dear sister, we will not be terrified to peek into the windows. We will look for, and FIND, healing there.

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart, Monica. I'm sorry that you've been subjected to friendly fire in the church. It happens so often (I've been on both the giving and receiving end), and usually by people who mean well, but who just. don't. think. before they speak. Hopefully, your story will help people learn to really stop and think about what someone may be going through, before they seek to admonish.