Sunday, January 8, 2012

Mission Impossible 4

People keep telling me they are heading out to see this movie, and if I ever went to the movies with my husband I would like to see it. I think it's been like 10 years since we have gone to the theater just the two of us only because if we ever get a date we want to talk and be with one another instead of sit in the dark and listen to other people talk.  Impossible missions seem to be our daily life anyway.  Yes, without the fast cars and guns and of course, Tom Cruise, but the plot is thick and everyone is on pins and needles to see what will happen next.  I think we might actually be well into at least our fifth or six mission at this point, but, who's counting, right? 

One of my favorite quotes from Children's literature is about impossible things. "Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

We are not in a fairy tale or an action/adventure movie.  This is day in and day out stuff for us and we are tired beyond words.  We are discouraged.  We are doubtful some days even in the light of all God has already done to carry us this far.  Over the last few days I have gone from the euphoric feeling that this surgery maybe is the beginning to me experiencing full healing to understanding it is to keep me living and doing basic things.  As my pressure issues increased, and I realized I was near adrenal failure I became very frightened.  My friend reminded me gently I may not work again.  I am a professional patient.  The money Dan makes may be all we have for a very long time.  In the face of this realization I am frozen.  We may never pay all our medical bills because they will probably always be coming.  We may never leave my parent's basement because everything Dan brings home is just enough.  Enough for food, copays, prescriptions and saving up for the trips that keep coming and to pay little bills here and there so doctors will continue our care.  This thought of staying in a place that was supposed to be transitional, supposed to be a resting place on our way back to being a family again, makes me sick.  My stomach churns.  I wanted to be the one who had a miracle too.  I wanted to be the one who went back to work and saved the day.  I'm not humbled enough.  What else could He take from me so I finally learn this? 

Wait.  The real question is what else could He give?  He is enough.  He has always been enough. 

I had a long night wrestling with God.  I got up before dawn and went out into the livingroom to read my Bible and pray.  For some reason once your bed is soaked with tears it feels less like praying and more like torture.  As the sun peaked out over the water beginning to shine on the ice I knew this was one of the most important surrenders yet.  I began to make a list of all the IMPOSSIBLE things God has done for our family.  I asked for true peace with regard to the coming year and all the needs we have.  He brought me to this verse. 

"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7

I made a cup of coffee, turned on hymns and watched the sun get higher and higher and brighter and brighter.  This is the fifth day in a row God has given sunshine to us in Canton, Ohio.  This is a weather anomoly for this time of year.  I consider it a personal gift before I am asked to head back to my catacomb bedroom in a few weeks.  He is giving me as much light as He can.  I consider it pure Grace.  I booted up my laptop to see if there were any messages from Dan and the girls.  This is how we communicate mostly these days rather than phone calls back and forth.  I briefly passed a message from "Dayspring" in my inbox.  I made a mental note to put it on my spam list as one of my resolutions is to unsubscribe to all these mindless distractions.  As I went to delete I caught the words again.  POSSIBLE.  IMPOSSIBLE.  This is what I have been awake most the night struggling with.  This was the simple message.

Good News:

There's really no such thing as impossible for you,
because all things are possible with God.
There's no mountain too high,
no valley too deep,
no trial too wide to stand in His way.
He's with you, for you,
working on your behalf today.
And many who care are praying with you
and standing beside you-
until we see the impossible come true.

--Holley Gerth

"With God all things are possible."  Matthew 19:26

1 comment:

  1. Prayers continue!!! He is enough! sometimes in our desperation it is hard to believe that or trust that. But He calls us to do this. He calls us everyday to live the impossible, and someday the impossible dream of heaven will come true for us! This is what I hold onto each day, I can fall at His feet daily to praise Him because He sustains! Love you!