Thursday, September 23, 2010

Love language (For my Dan)

Dan and I will have been married 10 years this coming February. We figured out our roles very early on in our relationship. We don't argue about day to day things like so many couples do. Dan cheerfully does all our laundry, empties the dishwasher (and even reloads it, because I still haven't learned how it's supposed to be done), and vacuums every other day. I pay the bills (and the ones I can't pay I organize and worry about). I manage our health care. I make the beds first thing every day, grocery shop and do homework and baths. I wipe our kitchen floor on my hands and knees, windex our front door and windows as soon as I see a smudge and wipe our counters over and over and over. We both work very hard at our jobs which have been opposite schedules much of our marriage so our children would not have to be in day care.

I can honestly say I have never taken for granted all Dan does. He is completely committed to our family, our home and our life. He hasn't watched a full football game or gone out for a beer or played a game of golf in over a year. He doesn't think in terms of his own wants or needs. The only thing Dan does now that he loves is working out. The gym is like his Zoloft. I try very hard to make this happen for him even with our busy schedule. Since my surgery he has only gotten to go a few times because he has been trying to do everything while I heal. Time and energy for physical fitness has fallen in the "luxury" category, something we just don't have over here these days.

This morning I had so many calls to make for details concerning Danica's surgery. As I was having these conversations the realization we are really doing this in less than two weeks hit me, and my heart began to race. The great risks and the pain Danica will face and the fear of what could happen all came rushing at me. Danica began wanting me as I was on the phone. I was frustrated and trying to hear and focus on what was being said, and I felt like Dan wasn't doing enough to try to get her out of the room or distract her. There was a fight. It had nothing to do with Danica interrupting the phone call. It had everything to do with the stress of our life and the lack of connection from weeks being physically apart and barely speaking to one another. Dan and I both recharge our batteries by being close to one another and sharing. When we lose this I feel insecure and so does he. I need to hear the words, "I love you." Words are my love language. Dan didn't even say he loved me until we had been dating over a year. He clearly loved me, but he could not say it. Love in action shown in practical daily care and sometimes in great self sacrifice is his love language. The storm we are headed straight into with our daughter is bound to bring out the worst in us once in awhile. Ugly words were exchanged. Our hearts were wounded, and we retreated.

Danica and I headed out to a local Credit Union to meet some beautiful women who have been raising money for Team Danica. (Post to follow on their love!) Dan was to finally get some time at the gym. On my way home the oil light came on in my car, so I rang the house to just see if by chance he was still there. He WAS still home. I asked him why he hadn't left, and He said something about motivation. We decided to meet at Midas and get the car looked at since we have this trip to Cincinnati on Monday. When we returned home I walked in to find my newly inherited, simply breathtaking bookcase that came from my grandparent's farm house in Minnesota full of books. I've had it since Monday, but I cannot lift yet, so I was thinking it would be late fall before I would be able to work on the project. Instead I walked in to find my treasured books that have been in boxes in the basement for years gracing the shelves. Dan stayed home and carried up all those heavy boxes and lovingly arranged the books, so I would be happy. This was his "I'm sorry" and "I love you", and "I will never leave you" all rolled up into a selfless act.

I'm listening to lots of Andrew Peterson lately. These words from his song "For The Love of God" come to mind,

"Now, love is not a feeling in your chest
It is bending down to wash another’s feet
It is faithful when the sun is in the west
And in the east

It can hurt you as it holds you
In its overwhelming flood
Till only the unshakeable is left
“This new command I give you,” He said,
“Love as I have loved”
So brother, love her better than yourself
And give her your heart

For the love of God
In the name of Jesus
The groom who gave his life
To love his bride

I love you, Dan.


  1. {{{{{{{{{{{{Monica and Dan}}}}}}}}}}}}

    my heart just wanted to hug each of you when reading that post. I want to say something...there are words out there for what I would say...I just can't find the right ones and the way to put them together...but my heart feels them and also goes out to you guys so much. My heart hurts for you all. Praying for you all, but wish I could do something else for you all.

  2. Wow. I am totally crying over that one...what a wonderful thing for him to do for you. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers often, especially as the surgery draws nearer.

    Good luck, and may God be with you.

  3. Dan and Monica,

    Oh, how this post touched my heart! It will take God's grace for you all to come through this trial triumphantly whole and blessed! Hebrews 13:5-6 Jesus said, "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." You have His promise that He will never leave you or forsake you (turn His back on you). What a blessing that in the midst of your storm and trial, God brought you both through it after you argued. What a selfless action Dan did in putting all your books in your special bookcase!

    What a wonderful blessing from the Lord that Dan was able to do something very special for you Monica, even in the midst of his pain. You both are hurting so much because of what Danica is going through, but please, keep your eyes on the Lord Jesus, His Word, and His promises and He will walk with you through the storm and bring you to the other side of this trial in triumph because your relationship with Your loving Shepherd will have grown so much.

    Remember Simon Peter began to sink when He took His eyes off the Lord and focused (1) on the storm, (2) on the fact that he was walking on top of the water, and (3) on the fact that he still had more of the storm to go through to get to Jesus. Maybe he became discouraged and thought that he couldn't make it or that he couldn't face the awfulness and strong intensity of the storm any more. Maybe he thought that the storm was way too much for him--so he started to sink.

    When he began to sink, he cried out to the Lord, "Lord, save me!" (Matthew 14:30-31) Jesus didn't tell Him "No, because you took your eyes off me." Jesus reached out and took Peter by the hand and pulled him up to safety, and they walked back on the water to the boat!

    I am sure that this taught Peter a powerful lesson that he was to keep his eyes on his Savior at all times in the midst of the awfully strong storms, that he was going to experience in the future, so that he would come out of the storms victoriously! What a lesson for us during our vicious and awfully strong storms.

    You talked about the word "endure" in another blog. Yes, with the help of God, the Holy Spirit, we are to "stay under" the trial. Yet, God doesn't mean for us to feel the weight of the burden of the trial. In Matthew 11:28-30, Christ tells us to get in the yoke with Him so that He can bear the burden of our trials. When He bears the heavy weight of our burdens, our part of the trial/burden is much lighter. In sweet loving and trusting faith, we just have to follow His leading as He leads us through the trial and teaches us in the process.

    We are to stay under or in the trial so that our Lord Jesus can/will bring us triumphantly through to the other side. We are not to try to work our own way out of the trial. If we do this, then we will not learn the wonderful lessons our Lord Jesus is teaching us, and we will not experience His loving care as He bears our burdens and keeps our hearts in His peace (Isaiah 26:3).

    I am glad that you are not trying to bear this burden alone and that you are not trying to work your way out of this burden. God's grace is sufficient for you, Dan, and Danica! He is carrying the three of you right now, close to His heart. (Isaiah 46:3-4)

    I am praying for you all.

    Martha in Georgia
    2 Corinthians 9:8