Thursday, August 26, 2010

What is real

"Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God." M. Williamson

Since I was a child I have collected words. I have journals full of quotes. I have word documents on my computer with sentences I have copied and pasted from all over the internet. Sometimes I write single words on a piece of paper or an index card. I need to see them lying around. I have a note from my mom in my Bible that she gave me when I was 15. She left it lying on my bed with a pack of Twizzlers on a rough teenager day. It says, "I love you dearly. Proverbs 3:5-6" I have a sticky note from my dad on my refrigerator that says "Monica and Dan, We love you very much." I keep it because I treasure his penmenship and the words are powerful. I have a card with the above quote on it I have had since college. It has moved over a dozen times with me and somehow I always stick it in a place I will happen upon it at just the right time. I found it today as I grabbed a book to read while waiting at my pre-surgery appointments. Today, these words communicate exactly what I know for sure. The rest may be faith, yes, but the peace of God that passes understanding is not something mystical to me. It comes through powerful words. TRUTH. (See how amazing a word can be standing alone?)

We got the call yesterday with the date for Danica's surgery, October 5th. It's been six long months since we knew this was coming. Now, staring at us on the calendar, it makes me want to throw up, or fall asleep forever, or run away or just flat out refuse to move forward. How do we REALLY do this?

Danica is physically showing more spasticty every day. Her speech has become more drawn out and her complaints of headaches and particularly nighttime symptoms are getting much worse. When her brace is off her neck is very crooked and her facial asymmetry and pressure on her right eye is very evident. We have to take all the risks of these two dangerous procedures and somehow rest in God's leading us to the here and now.

A woman I have only met once before showed up on my doorstep this week. I was exhausted and hadn't showered. I wasn't wearing any makeup and had french onion soup breath. Let's face it, in this day and age we don't drop by people's houses very often. We call ahead so someone can put on lipstick and pick up the toys and clorox wipe the counter. We are always trying to make things look a little more together than they really are for one another. When I opened the door she said to me, "I hope it's okay I'm here. I read your blog, and I had to come over. I needed to tell you God IS speaking." She was crying. This is something I haven't really been able to do for weeks. Partly, I'm sure, as a coping mechanism because I simply cannot expend the energy and also because of the Zoloft I am taking to help me cope which makes you a little numb on purpose. It's like I have a callous worn on my heart to help me do the hard work ahead of me. The sincerity and spontaneous love of this near stranger moved me to finally cry again. Oh how I needed to cry again.

The peace that followed this visit was amazing. God will literally drop people on my porch if necessary to remind me He is REAL. We will do this through His grace and His amazing love demonstrated through each of you and your faithful support. Thank you for not turning away. I am always reminded by Danica's life verses. He is writing this story, and He makes ALL THINGS beautiful in His time. This cannot be threatened. This is real. This is the peace of God.

1 comment:

  1. Monica and Dan...we are all thinking of you and your wonderful little girls...please know we are praying for you and Danica...I can feel how tightly God's arms are embracing your family at this difficult time. We love you! PJ & family