Wednesday, August 20, 2014

No catheter. No treatement. Now what?

I'm hiding out today.  Absolutely nothing went according to plan in regards to my catheter placement yesterday or beginning my plasmapheresis today. 

It's looking impossible to get this help locally.

I will most likely have to return to Maryland to get another round.  I don't have any idea how this will happen financially.  I can't fathom my family moving on without me for almost two weeks again.   Worst, I don't see how I can do it again.  I just don't think I can.

Yesterday I cried my eyes out.  I pouted.  I made call after call trying to move heaven and earth in my own strength.  I pitched a spiritual fit all day and well into a sleepless night.

This morning, as my girls left for their second day of school I threw myself down at my prayer bench in exhausted surrender.  I opened John Baille's A Diary of Private Prayer.  For the morning of the 20th day the prayer begins like this,

Almighty God, who of Thine infinite wisdom hast ordained that I should live my life within these narrow bounds of time and circumstance, let me now go forth into the world with a brave and trustful heart.  It has pleased Thee to withhold from me a perfect knowledge; therefore deny me not the grace of faith by which I may lay hold of things unseen.  Thou hast given me little power to mould things to my own desire; therefore use Thine own omnipotence to bring Thy desires to pass within me.  Thou hast willed it that through labour and pain I should walk the upward way; be Thou then my fellow traveler as I go.

Let me face what Thou dost send with the strength Thou dost supply:
When Thou prosperest my undertakings, let me give heed that Thy word may prosper in my heart:
When Thou callest me to go through a dark valley, let me not persuade myself that I know a way round . . .

My parent's life verse is Proverbs 16:9.  "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs His steps." 

Please pray my family and I will know what step to take next and find the strength in Him no matter what He asks us to do.  Please pray God will get the glory. 

Our Hope remains!

1 comment:

  1. Dear Monica, my thoughts are prayers are with you in this difficult time. Thank you for the updates so I can continue to send prayers for your family and your health. Stay strong!