Saturday, March 1, 2014

Where a personal retreat begins

"And still, after all this time, 
the Sun has never said to the Earth, 
'You owe me.' 
Look what happens with love like that. 
It lights up the sky."  Rumi

Just a little post.  I have an entire handwritten journal of experiences from my week away in Tucson, and I will slowly unearth and share them, but today I read this Rumi and thought of my husband Dan and how like his love this analogy is.

Most women I know would never consider leaving their families for a few days or a week or longer to spend time in retreat, and their homes and support systems are not arranged for this. They grab a girl's night or spa day or maybe a weekend away but usually to connect with others in some way.  I was completely shocked at how many people I encountered this past week who used the word,"BRAVE", to describe the trip I took. I've thought about this.  It felt natural to me. I will always need this kind of time to be okay.  I have since I was a child.  It's just been oh so long since I could really do this in any way besides a hospital visit.  I have always joked it takes a new surgery to get a "vacation."  I came so close to not going because of my unexpected shunt revision the week before and the Providential push to "flee" was unmistakable.

I have a man who loves me so dearly he completely championed this trip in every single way.  There is no tit for tat in his mind. He has only ever loved me so dearly.  He sent me texts reminding me to "BREATHE."  When he knew how bad the weather would be getting this weekend he called and told me to stay, which I could not do realistically because of finances and the ache in my heart for my family and dog, but he wanted it for me, no matter how much they would have to give up because he could hear the Monica he fell in love with shining through the calls.  Not once did his missing me or the girls missing me become a point of guilt.  I felt so free to completely enjoy because of the selfless love he gives and promotes.  Last night we were finally able to sit on the couch and look one another in the eye and scratch the surface about my time away.  The pressure was building here, and I was already clutching my head.  Less than 24 hours home, and I was in crazy pain.  He said to me he cannot imagine his life without me.  He will go anywhere.  He will do anything.  He only wants the best life for this other half of his body who is bedridden and often emotionally and spiritually barely breathing in this Midwest state near Lake Erie.

I don't know where all this will lead.  The individual stories of my week, especially the people I met and the healing, are mind boggling. These things just don't happen to "normal" people and still over and over I have this beacon of Grace and kindness cushioning my pain and struggle every step I take.  Our family is more keenly aware of ALL this than ever before.  Today I filled out the girl's school re-enrollment forms and paid bills and opened the first new ones from my latest surgery and filed them away.  Delaney searched the internet for homes in Arizona, because she wants her mom back too. Danica is confused by all this crazy talk of leaving an entire life because of clouds and storms and pain. This is all she has known.  We had one of our family group hugs and in that moment we could all feel the sureness of how being together is home and allowing for the possibilities is our only hope.

I'm loved.  For nothing I've done.  For nothing I could possibly do.  He sacrifices.  He cherishes.  He only wants good for me all the days of my life.  This is my Christ.  This is my Dan.

Look what happens with love like that.

I'm saved.

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