Thursday, May 24, 2012

Pushing through pain

Source: via Monica on Pinterest

I have been quiet. I just don't know how to talk about my pain anymore. Some things became very clear after last week's visit to the allergy specialist. The suggested "solutions" to try to reach some measure of healing and health seem so impossible. The incredibly compassionate and thorough doctor I saw believes there is one major trigger that is causing all the increased reactions and sensitivities to chemicals and food and outdoor lovelies, etc. He also believes this trigger is perhaps the root cause of my gastro issues and rectal bleeding. I am angry. Dan is angry. We are hurting and hurting one another. It feels like we are crumbling. The end of school parties and activities and field day and Memorial Day BBQs and beach vacations and days at the pool or just playing in the yard are all something I can't do . . . my family can't do . . . I picture the next three months with my girls in this basement and me in bed. I just can't even imagine having a life again. A REAL life.

I'm not ready to write about much else. I am working on Danica's Cincinnati appointments which have been such a challenge because we are introducing two new specialties and Dr. Crone wants specific doctors not just open clinic appointments because of her complicated case. Coordinating these to try to take only one trip and get all the scans and test in and see the doctors is hard. We are not going to be able to go to Maryland for the CSF walk on June 9th. This is devastating because we needed this emotionally, and our family needed to leave here if only for a few days. I have an appointment with Dr. Henderson, my neurosurgeon, Monday, June 11th that I will also need to cancel.

Today I was planning to have coffee with a dear woman from church. I called her from bed to cancel. My feet feel like they have hundreds of needles in them, and they are very numb. Dangerously numb. My lower back and all my joints hurt so bad I finally dug into my old meds and took the one drug I HATE to take, a crazy strong painkiller. It takes the edge off so I can manage laying here with Danica watching Nick Jr. and be relatively kind.

I am having a really hard time praying for myself and our family. I try to focus on others and pray for them and reach out to them, but I don't know how to approach my God about this. Today I'm asking if you would please plead for Dan, for Delaney, for Danica and yes, for me. God knows our hearts, our needs, and our desires. I'm barely hanging on to this, but I still believe. There is nothing left to do but push through the hurt and hold on to hope.


  1. Ever lifting you and your whole family before the throne of grace, Monica! There's nothing else I can really say (that will be of any real use) except that you are loved by so many, and we are all praying for you.

  2. I am so sorry Monica for all you and your family have been through and are going through. I am praying daily for you all for peace, comfort, and joy. You all deserve so much joy! Love and Prayers, Kelly