Thursday, May 17, 2012

Fragility and Faith

12:52 pm.
Appointment with Allergy and Immunology specialist in Fairlawn at 3 pm.
Still in my pajamas, wearing glasses and have not showered.
My heart hurts.
My face is red and hot to touch.
My throat is tight and sore.
My neck and head hurt.
My ears feel like they are leaking something and might explode.
My shoulders are like razors cutting every time I move them.
They pop out on almost every movement now.
My fingers ache and go numb,
My low back aches constantly when lying down.
Walking or standing or bending can bring me to my knees.
Yes, my knees and ankles sublux all the time.
My feet are numb and look dark purple, almost black. They are freezing.
The room is spinning, and I feel nauseous.

Just a few of the pain symptoms I feel right this minute. I try to visualize getting out of this bed, taking a shower which makes me weak and sick and getting into a car and driving all the way to Akron, waiting in an office, spending more than hour with a doctor and then driving home in traffic.

I think about needing to feed my family, do homework, get them ready for bed, love them, tuck them in . . . and then there is my husband who worked all day and just wants his Moni Kaye for a hour. An outlook email pops up. It's short and to the point. "Thanks for being so upbeat lately even when you're not feeling good at all."

I'm fragile and broken.
It has nothing to do with my faith.
It has everything to do with my faith.

Dan gets paid tomorrow. $900 for two weeks.
Presciptions and copays.
Car insurance.
It has nothing to do with my faith.
It has everything to do with my faith.

Calendar full of appointments spread out from Maryland to Cincinnati.
I can't get out of bed.
I feel like Akron might as well be California.
It has nothing to do with my faith.
It has everything to do with my faith.

Danica needs her diaper changed. I must get on my knees. Pop. Pain. I must bend over. Slice. Pain. I have to shower or they will write in my chart I can't even care for my own hygiene. Okay. Maybe some deoderant, brushing my teeth and putting some lipstick on will have to do. Like it did yesterday and the day before. The shower is my arch nemesis. Beautiful and perfectly groomed Monica is now this.

Earthen Vessel.
No spoons.
Be Still.


This has everything to do with believing.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves." II Corinithians 4:7

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