Friday, December 2, 2011

Do you see?

I'm sitting here in bed propped on many pillows and covered with my favorite "story" quilt from home.  I'm looking at the sun glistening off the peaceful lake right outside the floor to ceiling doors and windows to the left of where I rest.  I watch the dancing rays on the simple colors and patterns of the soft rug covering the hardwood floor.  Classic and simple furnishings comfort me and are a present wrapped in the way beautiful space has always been a gift to me.  There are pictures of people I do not know smiling at me.  They have a summer life here, and because they are part of this big household of faith they opened their home to me to heal.  I have wanted this.  I have prayed for this.  I have desperately needed this time and place more than I ever could have imagined.  I see.

If you have been reading this blog from the beginning you know my theology has often brought me to ask many questions to a God I believed in and trusted but still held at bay when it came to His providence and how it worked in tandem with my sin.  I especially questioned Him when it came to the suffering of Danica and my family.  He recently brought me to this passage from John 9:1-3.

As he walked along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God's works might be revealed in him.

Four years ago Danica was born through months of intense physical suffering and great loss on many levels.  The verse I would cling to was from Job 42:5, "I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; but now my eye sees You."

I have literally a hundred amazing stories to tell about my trip to Maryland and surgery and healing.  They all speak directly of a God who is always in the details and thrives in showing His Grace through people.  The morning of my surgery my sweet sister-in-law Amy took me to the hospital to get registered and get my PICC line placed.  I did not feel so much nervousness as I did really dreading the process that leads up to actually being wheeled into the room and getting to the real business of surgery.  If you've been through many surgeries you know that everyone comes in and meets you and chats about certain history and reminds you of the risks and complications that could arise and then has you sign a bunch of forms.  There were two people during this process that blew me away.  First I had to go over and register and show my id and insurance card, etc.  When anyone finds out you are a patient of Dr. Henderson it seems there is a special kind of reverance and care surrounding all the dealings moving forward.  This sweet woman saw a countanance on my face that she instantly recognized as being a "believer."  She said, "I am already praising God with you for what will happen in that operating room today and during your healing."  I see.

When Dr. Henderson came in to speak with us he had his classic blue blazer on and held my hand tightly as he prayed over Dan and I.  He asked for God's guidance of each movement of his hands and each decision he would make during the surgery and then he asked specifically for my healing so I would further be able to glorify God by doing His will in His kingdom. 

Stop.  Read it over again.  This man who would cut open my head and neck and painstakingly move around in my brain stem and spinal cord had just prayed the desire of my heart.  All I have longed for is to be doing God's will and giving Him glory.  I know these heavy burdens are not given lightly.  With them come great responsibility to bear them into something beautiful and eternal.  This is why Dr. Henderson does this work.  I cannot be healed and go back into a life anything like what it once was.  I've SEEN and have to tell about it. 

When I came out of surgery and began to get my bearing in the recovery room all I could say over and over was, "I CAN SEE."  The black floaters I had suffered from for years, particularly in my right eye, but most severely the last months as the pressure in my head had worsened were completely gone.  As I type this now I have no obstruction of my vision at all.  Although I am in considerable pain from the rib harvesting and my large head and neck incision I do not have the paralyzing vice grip in the back of my head.  I do have quite a bit of nerve "damage" from the screws put in my upper skull to hold it in place suring surgery.  I have felt like my head is numb.  I know much of these post surgery pains will take patient healing and rest to make it a true success. 

I am praying that all the faith being made sight will unfold in your life and mine so the power of God can and will be seen in us.

Thank you for all the continued love and prayers for us.  Our family will remain separated for some time so I can best heal.  Please pray for Dan as he is back to work and so very tired.  He is out of paid time off so the flexibility to care for the girls are be here with me is just not there.  Pray for the tender souls of the girls missing me to follow through on many holiday traditions but also being blessed by having the influence and love of others share their own while I am unable.  Please pray for my parents.  They have carried such a load and my mom is very sick today.  A special thanks to my friend, Melinda, who travelled back into town with dear Brooke to watch Danica for a few days.  I LOVE knowing they are together. 

I will be writing more and more as I leave the haze of my meds.  I am not controlling pain well right now, so I plan to work on that over the weekend.  May you have many moments of peace as we follow the star to Bethlehem.  Keep your eyes open and you will SEE. 

1 comment:

  1. I so LOVE reading the unraveling of God's story, purpose and plan for your life! I especially love that you have grabbed onto John 9:1-3. God gave me those exact sweet scriptures as I was preparing my sister's eulogy last year. My eyes were opened wide to the fact that He {chose} my sister to demonstrate his mighty works (through the many years of medical challenges she faced.) I never realized that until the very moment I was writing her eulogy. It knocked me over just thinking how much He loved her; that He would choose her to showcase his amazing works! Moreover, that He knew ahead of time that she would remain faithful even through the disappointments, sufferings, and challenges that came her way. You can't get any higher of an honor than to be chosen by the King to showcase His incredible works! Think about it! You are his masterpiece Monica and He is beautifully demonstrating His wonderful works in and through you. It is a beautiful story that does not end here. Phil 1:6 --> He will continue to perfect you through this process! So, so amazing! We are praying for you and your precious family! Thank you for sharing your heart!

    --Tracey Koellisch