Sunday, August 14, 2011
"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
I'm home alone. I skipped church to be here alone. Dan took the girls to Sunday school so I could have a few hours to just be still. Living here in my parent's lower level has been a blessing but a challenge for me. There is always some kind of activity above. I have not relaxed here. I rarely read. I haven't sipped any hot tea or found a place to nestle in with thoughts and prayers and words. From early morning until late at night there are thumps and bumps and voices and a strange pull of frenetic energy that is inevitable from three families living under one roof. The girls are always wanting to go upstairs or outside and see what everyone else is up to. This week my cousin, Hannah, will also be moving here to live in my dad's study. She is coming to student teach at Lake Center and will be in Delaney's class some of the time. Delaney is thrilled. All I can think is there is no more room at the Roberts' inn. Having this place to land when we would literally be in a shelter somewhere otherwise is top of our gratitude list. To even complain for a minute about how difficult this is sometimes seems so wrong. I know God has us here for a reason. I just need some time to be quiet and search out the treasures hidden here.
I have not been well. I am not well. This suffering has made even the basic tasks of caring for my family very difficult. When people ask me how I am feeling I want to be honest, but I cannot continually launch into my symptoms and how every step these days is a fight. I know they must rolling their eyes. I mean how in the world can one family endure so much continuous trial? I don't blame them for needing to look away. The faithful (you know who you are) who have stayed and stayed and stayed are perhaps the greatest gift we have received. After the journey we have traveled for years now I am least equipped to finally face the physical pain that has ruled my life for well over a decade. I am riddled with guilt that my dear Dan and Delaney and Danica would have to go through another season of hurt to perhaps find myself healing. I do not know where the money will come from this time to travel to see the specialist and get all the imaging done and make a good treatment decision. Just like when we began the hunt for Danica's diagnoses and treatment over two years ago, I am stepping out on faith. I'm believing God will not take us where He cannot provide for us and keep us. He's in this.
This is what I know for sure. In the past few weeks God has been leading me in specific ways to understand I could find help. He has allowed my physical pain and disability to increase to a level I have never experienced before. Almost like He's shouting at me to find help. He has given me courage specifically through Danica to know healing is possible and any improvement in my pain and day to day life is worth fighting for. He's calming my heart about the new road I see stretching before me. He's provided for us through gift cards to help with school shopping and groceries and even an offer from someone to treat me with massage and fascia release free of charge. He's been faithful. He will continue to be faithful.
I need to be still and quiet and alone to reflect on how far God has brought us and rest in His promises and loving arms for this next chapter. Our hope remains!
(Today I finally was able to make my appointment with Dr. Fraser Henderson in Bethesda, MD. It is 8 weeks away. I will see him Wednesday, October 19th, have very specific imaging done on Thursday, the 20th, and then see him again on Friday the 21st. I will write later about my worsening symptoms and why this is the doctor I need to see. The Tuesday after, the 25th, at 8:30 in the morning we will need to be in Cincinnati and hope and pray Danica's scan will show complete fusion, and she will be able to begin some life without her collar. God's timing is perfect. Whatever He has written for my own healing had to wait until Danica could get to this point in her hers. Please pray I will be able to find some relief with massage and be able to function during the next two months. Please pray for Dan and I's marriage. All this is so hard and Dan admits he draws from my strength and energy. When I am this low he gets very discouraged. Dan is healing from his stones. He still has some pain on and off and sees his surgeon in two weeks to follow up and have another scan. Delaney is also struggling. She begins fourth grade next week. She is visibly angry with me for feeling so sick. Since she was four years old and had to move here to Ohio with my parents while I was hospitalized in Maryland she has had so much to understand and deal with. Every night she prays for health for her family and a "normal" life. Although blessed with much love she feels very insecure. Please pray Danica will continue to heal and progress in therapy. Her sweet spirit rescues me every day. Please pray for peace and little breaks of stillness to know God is God. Thank you.)
Posted by Monica Kaye at 9:23 AM