Sunday, June 12, 2011

Moving and taking a blog break

"The word of righteousness will be peace, and the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places." Isaiah 32:17-18

Our home is pretty much packed. Friday we will move our big things and sleep at my parent's for the first time. Delaney came up to her room tonight and saw all her ceiling "flair" was gone. She got big tears in her eyes and said, "I'm getting really emotional." That's an understatement for me. I thought I was ready for this, but I'm not. I said over and over three years ago the next time we had to move it would ruin me. It takes something from me each time that I can't explain. After all we have been through I feel like this is the tipping point. I feel afraid.

The past week I have been completely manic. I have had repeated panic attacks. My attacks are usually prompted by a feeling I cannot escape somewhere. I think not having a car has added to this, but I didn't pinpoint that until later. They also have come from thoughts of living in the basement. I had my first panic attack in college in a basement apartment in an old building on South Main Street in Harrisonburg called Shenrock. I didn't know what was happening to me then, but there was a huge party in an apartment upstairs, and I couldn't get out of the door to even leave. I remember the racing thoughts and the crushing weight on my chest accompanied by the true inability to breathe.

Since my last post I have pushed myself physically more than I thought possible. I have literally packed our entire house and carried all the boxes down to our dining room. My head will not stop thinking about the things we have had to sell, the things in our garage still to get rid of, the many logistics of phone, email and mail changes for all the utilities, Danica's medical providers and bill collectors which I have not taken care of yet. My brain fixates on the few things I have left that matter so much to me. They are not valuable things but sentimental things. I want to move them all myself with kid gloves if I have to, but what I really want is to leave them in my car until I find a home again.

My parent's home is beautiful. The neighborhood is lovely. The basement although only having two windows for natural light is new and clean and homey. If someone had to move into a basement apartment this is the most ideal situation you could find. Still, I feel like I can't do it. I feel like I'm going to bail. I feel like I'm going to get everything there and make sure my family is okay and then go AWOL. What kind of wife and mother does that? What kind of wife and mother would sacrifice what I have the past four years, suffer and endure all we have as a family, write on this blog over and over again about faith and hope and then completely crack?

I'm ashamed. I wonder how I could post Big girl britches just over a week ago and then fall so far so fast? I wonder if all this stress for all this time has brought back the mental illness I once suffered from and thought I had conquered through Christ and His strength. I wonder if the chemistry of my brain is so altered I won't be able to get back to a place of safety and joy and peace. I wonder if this is sin or punishment for some sin. I wonder if I could have more faith if things would get better. I worry about how my children will remember these times. I wonder if they will ever be able to appreciate how much I love them and how much I wanted things to be different and how hard Dan and I have worked to try to change things.

I am planning to take a break from blogging here. I hope that you will continue to pray for us even though there are not frequent posts. I ask that you will please especially pray for Danica's continued fusion and healing. I ask that you will please pray for peace for Dan, Delaney, Danica and I. Certainly we do not just wrestle against flesh and blood but also principalities and powers. I go back to the truth every day. We are more than conquerers. Nothing can separate us from His love. He is able to guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. This is not our home. We are heading for a place with no more pain, no more sorrow, no more tears . . . and no more moving ever. Safe.

(Thank you to dear Bethany who mailed me a note with the above verses. I have been reading them over and over and over again."

1 comment:

  1. My heart aches for you and for your family. I will be praying for you all.