Lean hard

Danica had a rough day. Her head is hurting her. When I put her in bed tonight she kept hitting the sides of her head. She is ready for Iowa. If you peeked into our home this week you would see we are collectively like a balloon that someone keeps blowing air into. You know it can't hold much more pressure and has to pop at any minute. We are hard on one another. We are afraid, and we all say it out loud in our own ways. We are crying. We are yelling. We are hugging and making up. Most of all we are leaning.

I had opened up blogger once I finally got the girls down to write a post about the overwhelming feeling of loss we are experiencing right now. Everyone else is so excited for summer. Everyone else has exciting plans for Memorial Day weekend and their upcoming vacations. I told my sister yesterday I cannot bear to think of days and weeks in a hospital. I cannot bear to miss another summer of Delaney's life like I did when I was pregnant with Danica and like I did last summer driving back and forth to therapy and appointments trying to find out what was wrong with her. Danica keeps asking if we can do things once we get her bones fixed. "Mom, can we go to the zoo when I get my bones fixed? . . . Can we go to Kee Wee's when I get my bones fixed? . . . Can we please go to the beach when I get my bones fixed?" She is in her own two year old state of limbo. I have not been able to move past my exhaustion and my own grief to find a place of faith today.

Several posts ago a woman from Oregon found my blog. This was not a stumbling of chance but Divine guidance through the expansive internet world to our little place here. I spoke with her on the phone for over an hour just now. Her son was operated on by Dr. Menezes. They travelled across the United States to get to him. She knew my heart on this night in a way that no one else could possibly understand. She spoke truth to me. She prayed with me, and she reminded me to lean.

I have some amazing stories to share about God caring for us in the past week. I have hesitated to write about them because I am afraid I will make people uncomfortable and honestly do not know how to verbalize how very much we have been encouraged and blessed by you. Thank you for not forgetting us as you have your first barbecues and head off to the beach and baseball and backyard nights of sparklers and fireflies. Thank you for continuing to pray and letting us lean on you.

Many of you have asked about the details of this weekend's trip. My dear parents are driving with us. We plan to leave Thursday night and drive through the night with my dad and Dan taking turns driving. We will arrive in Iowa around 11am and hopefully be able to check into our hotel and rest a little before heading to The University of Iowa Hospital to meet with Dr. Menezes at 2:30pm. We will stay the night and plan to make the long drive back Saturday. I do not know if I will be up to posting anything until later in the weekend. Please bear with me as we take time to absorb what the Dr. recommends and next steps. My dear sister Rochelle and her boys are coming here from West Virginia to stay at my parent's home with Delaney. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it is to know she will be here to love and care for Laney while we are away. Rochelle and her family's sacrifices for us have been numerous through these hard years, and she is one of my greatest champions.

My new friend, Violet, posted this beautiful writing by Octavius Winslow several days ago. I have read it over and over since. Please pray as we lean on one another and lean on you we will most of all LEAN HARD into His grace and strength these next days.

"Child of My love. Lean hard. Let Me feel the pressure of your care. I know your burden, child. I shaped it—I poised it in My own hand and made no proportion of its weight to your unaided strength. For even as I laid it on, I said I shall be near, and while she leans on Me, this burden shall be Mine, not hers. So shall I keep My child within the encircling arms of My own love. Here lay it down. Do not fear to impose it on a shoulder which upholds the government of worlds. Yet closer come. You are not near enough. I would embrace your burden, so I might feel My child reposing on My breast. You love Me. I know it. Doubt not, then. But, loving me, lean hard."