A daddy's heart

Dan emailed me this "guest blogger" post this morning. Waiting for new mercies, because it was a really bad night.

It’s 11:30 at night as I start typing, and I just got home from the 3-11 shift after a grueling trip to Cleveland to see Danica's surgeon. Danica is sleeping in my spot tonight after complaining of sore legs and a sore shoulder. Mom will watch over her throughout the night as both are still awake.

This blog is about Danica, for sure, as she has many challenges ahead but this family is also struggling.

Monica and I recently attended an art festival in the city and one of our favorite sayings printed on a card read something like “No one wants to hear about all the bad things in your life so just keep smiling.” I recently revealed to a dear friend the reason I never call or email anyone is that no one really wants to hear about all the bad stuff. Read Facebook and you see “I like this,” “I’m a fan of this,” “We’re going on a vacation here,” “Here’s a funny picture of so and so.” Read my wife’s FB posts and you’ll see someone filled with pain and stressed beyond imagination, never sleeping more than two hours a night. The only thing keeping her sane is the constant vigil of protecting her daughter and the endless planning of the next surgery for Danica. She has been at her breaking point for quite some time now. I do believe she has good support via family and friends and God which could be keeping her moving forward. I honestly don’t understand how she keeps going day after day.

Delaney, who's most difficult physical struggle was 13 stitches for a very deep cut to her forehead when she was 2, is feeling the struggle now at age 7. My guess is deep down she is concerned for her little sister although not fully understanding what is happening. She has expressed a desire for this family to be “normal” and to have fun more. I have become use to having her spend time with relatives when times get tough and she is probably getting use to being away often. Soon we will ship her off to West Virginia for a week or so during Danica’s surgery. I would say the best time of my day is during our drive to school when we talk about the good stuff in life. It’s just a 20 minute drive.

I’m mostly a zombie these days. I'll admit profanity often fills my mind during the day and dreams of hitting the lottery fill my nights so my wife could quit her job and care for Danica full time and not have to deal with the financial burden all this brings. I have had the exact same dream every night for the past 4 years, at least. I avoid thinking of our situation by constantly staying busy cleaning, laundry, yard work, playing with Danica, working out. I’ve heard that it could be a “Snyder gift.” I don’t feel anything anymore except extreme anguish. An old friend of mine recently ended his life, and I feel strangely relieved for him. I do not have the capability to sit and think, at length, about what we are going to face with Danica. It feels like all the operations we discuss are going to happen to me as well. [At this moment Danica is crying in Mommy’s bed about how bad she hurts] I do not want to be here right now. My mom kept a journal during parts of her life but failed to say or write anything to us before she died when I was young. I find that interesting.

Delaney has learned to be a survivor already. Independent. Opinionated. Thoughtful. Danica is our little miracle child and is already a survivor. Monica will survive because her two daughters cannot be without here, believe me. She also has a curious strength found in her faith.

Zombie’s don’t really survive or die. They just exist, don’t they?