Saturday, May 8, 2010

No regrets

Tonight we were watching old family videos, and I was shocked to remember just how horrible Danica's tortocollis and pain was last summer before she was diagnosed. It made me cry (ok, what doesn't these days?), but it also made me so grateful for her September diagnosis and her first decompression in November. It's so easy to second guess decisions we have already made concerning her care, and these photos remind me just because we are now seeing regression does not mean the months of growth and playful childhood she was gifted are no less a miracle. I have no regrets

She is very crooked today and falling and grabbing her neck. I know it comes mostly from her jumping last night outdoors, trying to grab a leaf in the tree like Delaney was. She has been having trouble going to sleep at night, and I know it is increased pressure in her head and neck. I know we need to get some decisions made soon.

The best video we watched tonight was me finally taking Danica home from the NICU. She was so tiny, so fragile, so perfect. Her days were already written. During a meeting with my therapist this week we talked about Delaney's comment wishing sometimes we had never had Danica. She pointedly asked me if I had ever felt this way too. I can honestly tell you there were hours and days in my pregnancy that I wrestled with the decision. Crazy pain will make you doubt just about everything. BUT since the day I took that baby girl home and made her truly mine I have never once wished for my old life if it meant her not there in it. I was changed from the inside out by this girl. I counted everything loss to get her here, and I'll lose it all again and again to keep her here! No regrets.

1 comment:

  1. Happy Mother's Day my beautiful, wonderful friend! No regrets, indeed. Oh, how I love you and that beautiful girl...BOTH your beautiful girls... and Dan, too. Breathing prayers for you every day.